The Sharia States of Ameristan

Here's the scenario:

The Iranian weapons program yields a weapon of absolutely unrealistic power. Unrealistic as in "fictional". A completely made up weapon we will call The Sharia Bomb. It is a special bomb with a blast radius the shape and width of the United States. When detonated, all those within the blast radius immediately become devout followers of Muslim Sharia law. This includes men, women, children, transsexuals, gays, literally everyone within the United States. All political structures and physical structures remain intact (for now), but everyone in the US magically becomes Muslim. The culture war is over. Allahu Akbar.

Now, here is the question: In this given scenario, who is it that benefits the most?

Well, it certainly isn't the homosexuals. Those that don't outright kill themselves for their offense to god will be hunted down and murdered should they ever act upon their sexual preferences. They won't make it in the new Ameristan very long at all. Transexuals will be tolerated even less so.

What about women? Well, they'll certainly be giving up the rights they previously enjoyed. They won't be able to drive, the validity of their testimony in courts will be diminished, and they'll required to remain subservient to men at all times. Their genitals will have to be mutilated of course, and any woman who roams the street alone will be arrested if not raped and killed. Oh, and about that whole "rape" thing? You can forget about making accusations on college campuses when it happens. Even if a woman is raped, she'll be punished and likely killed for it. Oh wait, what am I saying? A woman isn't allowed to go to college!

The ones who will benefit the most will, ironically, be straight CIS men. They'll be allowed to have multiple wives, they'll be given complete control of their households, control of divorce, control over a woman's right to choose. If a woman somehow gets up the nerve to start an argument, a man can either beat her or throw acid in her face. No more debate about the patriarchy, no more complaining about the content of video games and the names of sports teams. Nope, just one big acid hadoken in the face.

And check this out: Donald Trump, who wants to battle radical Islam and prevent the spread of sharia, will probably benefit most of all! Once the Sharia bomb drops, the Donald won't have to worry about multiple divorces and marrying over and over again. Why, he can just have Ivana, Marla, and Melania all at the same time! Legally! And those of you who have that sneaking suspicion that the ol' Trumpster has a thing for his daughters? Well, he'll be more than free to unleash himself upon them in his brand new Sharia household.

In fact, the Donald will make out better under Sharia than most of us would. He's already rich, he doesn't drink, and he'll have entire stadiums full of Muslim faithful listening to him preach the word of the prophet.

How ironic that here, in the real world, the Donald and his legion of racist, sexist, white CIS male shitlords are currently battling an ideology that they themselves stand to profit the most from...not just monetarily, but in every single aspect of life! And yet here they are, the fools, trying to create laws that protect women, gays, transsexuals, and the American way of life as a whole. Don't they realize that if they just disarm the country and let the Muslim population invade, they themselves would be better off in the new world that awaits? 

What a bunch of white knight cucks, clinging to their precious nobility.

(special thanks to Twinkz for the idea for this article)