27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36 published by Evanvinh
Writer Rating: 2.6429
Posted on 2016-05-29
Writer Description: Evanvinh
This writer has written 733 articles.
Unlike most things, this week’s tweets are entirely free to consume.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Clerk ringing up all my sodas: Wow, you must really love Dr. Pepper
Me: Yes, I do love *HER*
I just tolerated the fuck out of some lactose
Let me know when Warby Parker can home deliver five candy bars for me to try on in my mouth.
"Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet?" - me, on my deathbed
slave: "there are 30,000 of us working on this pyramid, you could at least tell us what its for"
tutankhamen: "when im dead put me in there"
During a really romantic moment while having sex, I like to lean in and whisper, "This is just like the ocean under the moon."
women love me cause I'm the total package: opinionated, average looking, and constantly dealing with a barrage of mental health issues
Just texted myself "u up" then responded "yes" then masturbated
Personally, I feel like one thing that could really improve the Netflix selection would be if I were capable of enjoying anything
Sanders Promises to Decorate Oval Office like Living Room from Roseanne
Her: can I see your phone?
Me: yeah, hold up.
In 5th grade at a D.A.R.E. meeting this cop was pretty much like, “if you’re high on drugs, driving a boat is cool as hell.”
If we're gonna attack this new Ghostbusters for ruining our childhoods, we should also address my parents' divorce
I hope someone remakes "Weird Science" with girls using a computer to build a boy so so the country can just burn down and get it over with.
I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.
Celine Dion has been exactly 42 for almost three centuries.
What next, the *GIRLS* being back in town?!?
George RR Martin: “His name is Hodor & it will have grave significance”
“what do u call the tree girl”
“And the dragon?”
Dragged back into the cutthroat world of competitive kites again, and I swear this time there will be blood.
a turtle is basically a rock that can die
"911 whats your emerge-"
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
What ice cream problem was Dippin Dots trying to solve?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
-Did you read him his Miranda rights?
-His LIN-MANUEL Miranda rights?
(sigh) (puts on costume) "How does a suspect, defendant--"
my hero is the Make A Wish kid who wanted to meet Matt LeBlanc and as soon as he turned up the kid called him Fat LeBlanc and died
"I ate my husband"
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